Part 1
Friday the 10th of July
“Where are my keys?”
Dave looked up at his wife, she was standing impatiently staring at him, as if it was his fault she had lost her keys. “Wherever you left them,” he replied.
“Well obviously, but where did I leave them?”
“Are they in your bag?”
“I’ve looked.”
“Looked in all the pockets, the small one with your lipstick?”
“Yes.” Susan started rummaging through her bag. “Oh wait there they are.”
“See, where you left them.”
“You do that all the time,” she was almost accusing him.
“Do what?”
“Tell me where I’ve left things.”
“No I don’t.”
“So how did you know where my keys were?”
“Well they were in your bag, where they usually are.”
“But you knew.”
“Well I must have seen you put them in.”
“No you left for work before I did.”
“Well when you got in.”
“No you were in the kitchen.”
“What are we arguing about?” Dave was suddenly aware that he was having a pointless argument that he could never win.
“You knew where my keys were.”
“And?”
“How did you know?”
“I don’t know I just suggested they were in your bag.”
“But you said they were in one of the pockets.”
“So?”
“Well they were there.”
“I don’t see what the problem is, you’ve got your keys, so now you can go out.”
“Do you know how annoying that is?”
“What? Me telling you where your keys are when you don’t know?”
“Yes,” Susan replied slightly reluctantly.
“More annoying than you losing your keys?”
“Nearly. Will you stop watching that telly and talk to me.”
“I am talking to you. Your keys were in the pocket of your bag.”
“But I never put them there.”
“Well they must have fallen in there.”
“So how did you know?”
“I didn’t know I just suggested it.”
Susan just stared at her husband. He was so bloody smug. “Right I’m going to catch you out.”
“What are you talking about? Are you going to hide my keys? Just because you can never find yours. That is great for house security that is.”
“Right I’m going out.”
“Okay then, don’t come in too drunk.”
“Where am I going?”
“I thought you said you were going round to Helen’s for a couple of glasses of wine.”
“You could come round and talk to Ben,” Susan was sounding a bit more conciliatory.
“He’ll just talk about golf,” he replied.
“You should take it up.”
“I do not want to hit a small ball into a small hole for no reason whatsoever and then do it another 17 times and pay a small fortune for the privilege. Has he told you how much he pays to be a member of that stupid club?”
“No.
“Well he’s told me, plenty of times, in fact every time we meet. Anyway have fun.”
Bastard, Susan thought. She walked out the front door nearly slamming it. Right, she was going to get him.
Dave watched as his wife locked the front door behind her. She was always losing things. It wasn’t difficult to keep track of things was it? Dave thought. All you had to do was remember where you put something. Dave never had any difficulty remembering. Keys, well they were in his left-hand trouser pocket unless of course they were hanging on the hook. He could always picture where he had left his keys. The same with anything really, if you just made a mental note of where something was then it was still there when you looked for it. Susan could never remember where she had left anything.
*
Dave’s mobile rang, he looked at the display. Susan, she would be drunk and wanting to chat, whereas he all he wanted to do was watch Bruce Willis blow things up. He paused the TV and answered his phone.
“So where am I then?” Susan accused him
“Round at Libby’s”
“Bastard.”
“What?”
“Did you follow me?”
“No why on Earth would I do that? Stalk my own wife?”
“So how did you know I was round at Libby’s?”
“Because you said so earlier.”
“No I said I was going round to Helen’s”
“So where are you?”
“Libby’s.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is, I was going round to Helen’s then we both ended up at Libby’s and you knew that.”
“Are you complaining that I know where you are when you’re out?”
“No.”
“Sounds like it to me.”
There was silence for a few moments, “Bastard.” The phone went dead.
Dave shrugged his shoulders, had Susan said she was going round to Helen’s? Yes she had. He remembered thinking about playing boring golf and Ben played golf and spoke about little else. Libby’s husband played golf but he could talk about other things. Why was he thinking about this? Susan seemed upset with him about something, but for the life of him he couldn’t work out what it was. He pressed the play button.
Saturday the 11th of July
Dave woke and carefully crawled out of bed. Susan was snoring. He vaguely remembered her noisily coming in, shushing and giggling. He got up, searched his pockets for his keys, they weren’t there. Oh yes he’d dropped them in his shoe.
*
Susan awoke with an incredible hangover, the sun was pouring in through the bedroom window, she must get some better blinds. Dave was already awake; he would be as bright as a shiny annoying button.
“Hello darling?” he said.
“Hmmfff.”
“Coffee?”
“Yes please.”
“I’m just going out to get the papers. Want anything for your hangover.”
Susan just shook her head.
“What time did I come in last night?”
“About two. You were making a terrible noise. Clattering and giggling. Woke me up, I’m just glad you weren’t sick like you were the last time.”
Susan tried to remember coming in, she was going to hide Dave’s keys in his shoe. She was glad she hadn’t because she might not have remembered doing it and then Dave would have been annoyed with her.
“Do you remember phoning me last night?” Dave asked.
“Yes sorry I was drunk. I’m going back to sleep.” She hid her head under the duvet.
“What about the coffee?”
“Later. You should really come out with me next time instead of being sad and lonely.”
“Well, okay perhaps next time I might.”
Friday the 17th of July
“Did I say that Dot has asked us round to the pub? It’s Jim’s birthday. You’ve to come as well, help him celebrate. You’ve met Jim before, he doesn’t play golf.”
“Oh okay then,” Dave replied. “Will there be cake?”
“I doubt it.”
“Ah well cake and beer don’t really mix.” Best go and get drunk some of the time, keep Susan happy. He enjoyed a good drink; just not the boring sports based banter that always went with it. Worst thing pubs ever did was put big screens in that showed nothing but football. The was only so much piss-taking you could do before boredom set in.
“There will be a big group of us and you won’t be stuck for a conversation and then we’re going back to their house for some more drinks and some nibbles.”
*
There wasn’t football on the telly, there was golf. The open or something. “You know what would make golf more interesting?”
“What?”
“Tigers.”
“Tiger Woods?”
“No tigers in the woods.”
“We’re off to Jim and Dot’s,” Helen said. “Enjoying yourself?”
“I’ll follow on after I’ve finished this pint.”
*
“Did you hide Dave’s keys?” Helen asked as she struggled with the cork-screw. “You said you were going to.”
“So I did,” Susan replied. “I don’t think so, he had them in the morning, to be honest I don’t really remember it was all a bit of a blur. I don’t even remember walking home.”
“Let’s hide them now.”
“No he’s actually talking to Jim, let’s not disturb him if he’s being sociable, you have no idea how hard it is to drag him out.”
“He seems quite happy now.”
“Yes well he’s got a beer hasn’t he.”
“Come on,” Helen said grabbing Susan’s and Libby’s sleeves, “let’s get his keys and hide them.”
Dave was suddenly aware of some movement behind him and then Helen, Susan’s friend, rugby tackled him. He collapsed onto the grass. Helen was holding him down while Libby was on top searching through his pockets. What was going on?
“Got them,” Libby shouted, and Dave saw the flash of the blue of his key-ring as Libby ran off followed by a giggling Helen.
“What was all that about?” Jim asked.
“Susan has been going on at me for the last week about finding keys,” Dave replied getting up and looking at his grass stained top. At least he would have a good reason for messy clothes when he got a bollocking later. “I’m not sure what she’s on about. As far as I can work out she gets annoyed cause she always loses hers and I know where they are. Last Friday she lost her keys, I told her where they were and then she got angry.”
“Had you hidden them?”
“No, wouldn’t dare, they were in her bag.”
“So why couldn’t she find them?”
“She just hadn’t looked.”
“So how did you know where they were?”
“I don’t know, they’re usually in her bag, I must have guessed.”
“So where are they now?” Jim asked.
“Susan’s keys?”
“Yes?”
“In her bag, again.”
“And yours?”
“Libby ran off with them, now Ben’s got them.”
“So how come he’s got them?”
“She handed them to him.”
“But you can’t see him,” Jim said.
“Eh?”
“So how come… Come on, Ben’s over there, let’s go get them.”
Jim and Dave walked over to where Ben was talking to Gregor. “Can I have my keys back?” Dave asked.
“These them?” Ben asked pulling out Dave’s key-ring. “Why did Libby have them?”
“I can’t be bothered explaining again.”
“How did you know?” Susan said appearing from behind Ben.
“Know what?”
“Ben had your keys.”
“I was discussing it with Jim.”
“But,” Jim said, “you told me Ben had them and you knew without seeing Libby hand them to Ben.”
Dave tried to remember the conversation, he had mentioned Ben first, but then he knew… He couldn’t be bothered. He finished his bottle of beer. “More beer anyone?”
“Don’t mind if I do,” Jim replied.
“No wait you’re not getting away that easy. How did you know Libby had given Ben your keys?” Susan demanded.
Dave was now aware that everyone was staring at him.
“I don’t know, I just sort of knew, I must have guessed or something.”
“Let’s try it again,” Helen suggested.
“Can I suggest we do it with something other than my keys,” Dave said. He didn’t fancy someone deliberately hiding his keys and then not remembering where they had put them.
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, this beer bottle.”
“Right,” Helen took it away. “No peeking,”
“I’ve always hated this game,” Dave said.
“What do you mean?” Ben replied taking another swig of beer.
“Hide and seek, it’s not difficult is it?”
“Of course it is. It is difficult because you don’t know where anyone is.”
“But people always hide in the easiest of places, and then say you cheat when you find them.”
Helen reappeared. “Right where’s the beer bottle then?”
Dave thought for a moment. “Don’t know. You’ve hidden it.”
“This is no good, you’ve got to try.”
“I know where it is,” Dave said. “Follow me.”
Dave walked into the kitchen opened the fridge, got himself out another beer. “Here it is.” He walked over to a table and looked under it, picked the bottle opener off the floor and opened his bottle. He suddenly realised he was alone but there was a large trampoline waiting to get bounced on.
Saturday the 18th of July
For once Dave had the hangover and Susan was the bright and cheerful one.
“Morning sleepy-head,” she said.
“Good m’ing,” Dave replied.
“Have you seen my purse?”
“In your underwear drawer.”
“Thanks darling.”
*
“Can we have a chat?” Susan asked, “I’m not sure whether to be happy or what.”
Dave peered over the duvet. “Okay,” the way Susan had been speaking, it sounded really serious. With all the shit that had been going on over the last few days Dave wouldn’t have been surprised she said she was going to divorce him.
“Did you never like hide and seek, when you were little?”
“Are you still going on about this?” At least divorce wasn’t coming up directly. What are the grounds for divorce? My client’s husband cheated at hide and seek when he was a child.
“I am serious, so just humour me.”
“Okay.”
“What used to happen when you played hide and seek when you were little?”
“We didn’t play it often, I always won, then I would be accused of cheating and then we’d fall out. It wasn’t worth it. Then whenever anyone suggested it, I would refuse to play because I didn’t want to have a fight and then a fight would ensue because of that. Why do you ask?”
“This morning, I hid my purse in my underwear drawer, you were fast asleep. Then when you woke up, I asked you where it was. You knew.”
“So what are you saying?”
“I am saying that you always know where something is?”
“Don’t be daft, that’s silly, anyway I wasn’t pretending last night. I didn’t know where the beer bottle was.”
“Well maybe you don’t always know where something is, but you do have a knack for it.”
Dave said nothing for a few moments. “Pretty crap super-power though, I’d much rather have invisibility or fly or teleport.”
“So where are my keys?”
“In with the knives,” Dave replied before he could stop himself, ‘shit.”
“So how did you know?” Susan was really staring at him.
“I sort of saw you leave them there but now if I think about it, I know I couldn’t have, didn’t.”
“I think you sort of justify it in your mind.” Susan was almost jumping. There was nothing worse than a happy bouncy person when you had a hangover.
“So are you happy now?” Dave asked.
“Well yes this time last week I thought you deliberately annoying me. This week, hey my husband has a super-power.” She danced over to the window. “So what did you think was going on?”
“I just thought you were finding crap to argue about. You know pointless things.”
“I never do that.”
“Can I go back to sleep now?” Dave was not going to answer that. He was not in the mood for another argument. “And can you stop jumping about.”
Sunday the 19th of July
“Right I’ve hidden the following things about the house,” Susan said, “my purse, my keys, the ketchup…”
“The ketchup?” Dave replied. He was actually beginning to enjoy himself.
“Well yes, if we’re going to find out how this works we need to experiment. The ketchup, a knife, and my Abba Gold CD.”
“How this works?”
“Well there must be limitations or rules.”
Dave wasn’t convinced, there would be rules, however if it kept Susan happy.
“Keys. They’re in the bathroom cabinet. Purse, that’s under the sofa, ketchup, the fridge where you always keep it? Knife and CD, sorry no idea.”
“Two out of five, you got the ketchup wrong.”
“So it’s not infallible, in fact 40% success rate is pretty crap.”
“No, no,” Susan said excitedly “I think it only works with certain things. Things that you’re really attached to.”
“Yeh, well I’m not really attached to Abba am I? Perhaps it’s only important things. Can you do me a favour?”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t tell anyone at the moment.”
“Why ever not? This is fantastic.”
“How many people do you know with a super-power? Anyway what would you say? Err my husband is an X-man.”
“Well no, perhaps… Right stay there while I go and hide some more things.”
*
“I’ve got it,” Susan said after another hour’s experimentation. “It’s uniqueness.”
“Eh?”
“Things like bunches of keys, well there’s only one of those, well there are lots of keys but each bunch is unique. Same for purses but there are lots of bottles of beer or ketchup.”
“And Abba sold a lot of CDs, an awful lot. Awful being the operative word.”
Susan stared at her husband.
“So what are we going to do now?” Dave asked, ‘Now that you’ve worked its rules out, are you going to give it a rest?”
“No you could find Lord Lucan, Where’s he?”
“Dead in Africa.”
“Sure?”
“Yes I saw a TV program about it once. Botswana I think.”
“You’re not taking this seriously. What about the Holy Grail?”
“No thanks, I’ve already got one,” Dave replied in a silly French accent.
“What?”
“You really need to watch that film.”
“What film? And what about Shergar? Could you find him?”
Dave sat and thought. He concentrated on the whereabouts of the last drinking vessel of Christ and a dead racehorse. Nothing. “Can I put the telly on now? Anyway say I found them how would people be able to identify them. Oh here’s the Holy Grail by the way, yes I know it’s a bit dirty oh and this horse’s skeleton it really is Shergar.”
“They could DNA it, he must have lots of descendants.”
Dave just stared at Susan.
Tuesday the 21st of July
‘Lost – Felix, black and white cat’, owners didn’t show much imagination in naming their cat then, Susan thought. ‘Last seen in the area of Grove Hill, if found please phone…’ Susan studied the picture of the cat. Just the thing to try out her husband’s newly discovered super-power.
*
“Felix? A cat?”
“Yes, so do you know where he is?”
Dave shook his head. “No, nor do I know where Tiddles is, or…”
“Come on, let’s go and find him.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, what else were you going to do?”
“I didn’t have any plans but I certainly don’t want to trawl the streets looking for lost pets.”
“Come on,” Susan threw Dave his coat. “I’ll drive, you can use your super senses to go looking for cats.”
“Look I’ve been thinking, perhaps…”
“No we’re going to see if we can use this for real. So no wimping out and no pretending.” Susan stared at her husband daring him.
Dave stared back his wife. “Right I’ll do my best this evening, but see if I can’t find what’s his name?”
“Felix.”
“Yes Felix, then we forget this whole episode.”
“See if you do find him, I’m going to make you a cape.”
“You’re not selling this very well.”
“What should we use as your superhero name? Find-it Man?”
Dave just wished Susan would give it a rest, unfortunately, he knew his wife too well.
*
Susan drove round for about ten minutes. Dave said nothing for the whole period. Eventually Susan’s frustrations got the better of her. “Well?”
“Nothing.”
“Sure?”
“Positive. It’s as you said, it’s got to mean something to me, and Felix to me is just a black and white annoyance that shits in our garden.”
“Look there’s one of the posters. Let’s see if it helps,” Susan said slowing the car down.
Dave stared at the poster; he got out the car and examined it. He ripped it off the lamppost. “Come on let’s go,” he said getting back into the car.
“Where?”
“That way.”
Susan drove south.
“Right here,” Dave ordered.
“Do you mean turn right?”
“Yes what else would I mean?”
Susan turned and drove along a narrow road. “Well could mean right… oh never mind.”
“Left here.”
“By the river?”
“Yes.”
Susan drove along the bumpy track. “You sure?”
“Stop here.”
Susan stopped the car. Dave jumped out and ran down towards the riverbank. He stopped, there floating in the water, jammed between two rocks was the black and white corpse of Felix. Dave looked around, after a few minutes he found a branch. He tried to manoeuvre the corpse towards him.
“Careful,” Susan said from behind.
“Bugger,” Dave said as the cat drifted further away.
“Is it dead?”
“Of course it’s dead.”
“What are you going to do with it?” Susan asked.
Dave stopped. “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.”
“Have you got your phone?”
“Yes.”
“I think we should phone the owners.”
*
“Thank-you,” Felix’s owner said. “The girls will be very upset.”
“Just disappointed that it couldn’t be better news.”
“So how did you find him?”
“We were down by the river, and saw him, and we’d seen the posters. So we thought we would phone you.” It wasn’t the full truth, but Dave wasn’t going to admit that he had been nagged by his wife to looking for lost cats using a recently discovered super-power.
*
Dave and Susan got back into their car; they drove back home in silence.
“Want a beer?” Susan asked.
“Fuck yes.”
“Pub?”
*
“Do you think we should tell anyone?” Susan asked, nursing her glass of Chardonnay.
“Tell them what?”
“That you can find things.”
“Tell who? The police? What am I supposed to do? Go and walk into the police station and say, ‘Oh by the way I can find all your missing persons’? They’d arrest me after the first corpse under the concrete of the M4 was unearthed.”
“Are there any…? Oh here’s Helen and Ben.”
“Pint?” Ben asked walking over.
“Don’t mind if I do?” Dave replied.
“Glass of wine Susan? We don’t often see you in here.”
“No we thought we’d just drop in,” Susan replied.
“Been up to much?” Ben asked
“Just been down by the river,” Dave replied. “There was a dead cat.”
“I’ve just hit a round for 85. Got a birdie at the 9th.”
Dave didn’t want to discuss super-powers but please God anything but golf. He felt his brain begin to glaze over.
Thursday the 23rd of July
“Can you get it?” Susan shouted as the doorbell rang for the second time.
“Got it,” Dave replied opening the door. “Hello Jim. Come in, to what do we owe the pleasure?”
Jim looked a bit wary. “Are you still doing the finding thing?” he asked.
“The finding thing?”
“Yes you know the other evening at our house.”
“Have you lost something?”
“We’re going to a wedding tomorrow and I can’t find one of my cufflinks.”
Susan emerged to the sound of a flushing toilet. “Hi Jim.”
“He’s lost a cufflink,” Dave explained.
“Well come on Dave, let’s go over and see if we can find it,” Susan winked at her husband.
*
“Have you looked on the floor of the wardrobe?” Dave asked.
“Yes three times.”
“In the back? It could have fallen out of its box.”
“Yes,” Jim replied, emptying out the shelf of his wardrobe. “Oh there it is. You found it.”
“It was in the obvious place really,” Dave replied.
“I owe you one.”
“We’d better get back,” Dave replied.
*
“I thought you wouldn’t find it so quickly,” Susan said.
“So did I, I just said the back of the wardrobe as a normal suggestion. I wanted to waste a good twenty minutes and then find it just before we gave up unless it was in a really silly place, like down the bog, then I don’t know what I would have done.”
Susan just started to laugh.
Monday the 27th of July
Susan picked up her plate, took it through to the living room. Dave followed. Susan switched on the television.
“On the news tonight, a daring robbery, three Turners have been stolen from the National Gallery. Police are refusing to reveal how the pieces were stolen. A reward of £250,000 is being offered as a reward for their return.”
“Hear that?” Susan said. “They’re offering a reward.”
“So?” Dave replied suddenly paying an interest in the TV.
“We could collect it.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“And what do we say when we’re interviewed by the police. ‘So Mr. Green, how did you come to know of the missing paintings?”
“If they arrest you it has to be for an actual crime and you haven’t committed one.”
“The crime they’ll arrest me for, is stealing three paintings.”
“They won’t have any evidence.”
“Apart from the fact I showed them where they were.”
“And you were nowhere near London.”
“I could, look I don’t know.”
“Well, we tell them anonymously.”
“And how do we collect the reward? Anyway what are the paintings?”
“’Sun rising through vapour, something about Dutch boats, and something about Carthage, you know where Hannibal came from, you’re thinking about this?”
“Perhaps, we’ll have to go to London and that’s a long way away and I don’t fancy driving round there. The traffic there scares me.”
“We could get a taxi.”
“Well that won’t cost much.”
“So this gift of yours, do you physically have to go and search for it?”
“I don’t know, all I’ve found is a dead cat and stuff you’ve hidden, so let’s not get too excited.”
“And the cuff-link.”
“No I didn’t”
Susan sat silently.
“Right if you can finance this search,” Dave continued, “avoid me getting arrested and ensure we remain anonymous then I’ll consider it.”
“You only need to remain anonymous until they arrest the thieves.”
“Who are not going to be too pleased with me fingering them. And when I say fingering I mean fingering in the non-sexual meaning.”
Thursday the 30th of July
“I’ve been looking in the London A-Z,” Dave said.
“And why are you telling me this?” Susan asked.
“I know where the paintings are.”
“Are you sure?”
“No I’m not sure actually. Because I’m acting on a gut feeling that I can do something no ordinary human can do. Having said that I’m pretty damn sure that they’re on page 43. Not only that, I know the grid reference.”
Susan stared at her husband. “What should we do?”
“We somehow send an anonymous message to the National Gallery, saying where they are and to donate the reward money to charity.”
“We need to add in a code word.”
“What do you mean?” Dave asked.
“Well we add in a word that means that when they receive another tip-off from us then they know it’s the real deal.”
“Shit.”
“What?”
“I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.” Dave’s mind was going through possible scenarios. “So what word would you use?”
“Ketchup?”
“Don’t be silly, let’s use Abba songs. Code word is Fernando. Then next time we’ll use Waterloo. It will get people really wondering what the pattern is and if they start looking for a pattern then they won’t be looking for us.”
“Is it near Waterloo station?
“I don’t think so.” Dave leafed through the A-Z. “No.”
“If there’s something in Glasgow, then we use Super Trooper,” Susan said.
Why?”
“They mention Glasgow in the song.”
Dave thought for a moment, “No let’s not do a real pattern, let’s just make it random. Real patterns, they’ll be too difficult to do and they’ll never suspect me, I don’t like Abba.”
Saturday the 4th of August
“Police have announced that they have recovered the three stolen Turner paintings stolen from the National Gallery last month, after receiving two anonymous tip-offs. The reward is going to be split between the two different…”
“Bastards,” Susan said.
“What are you complaining about?”
“Someone has stolen our thunder.”
Dave just laughed.
“Stop it,” Susan threw a cushion at him.
“Look it’s not as if we were actually going to get the money, it was going to charity. Anyway they received two tip-offs, next time we send one they’ll have to take notice as ours was accurate.”
“Where are my keys?”
Dave looked up at his wife, she was standing impatiently staring at him, as if it was his fault she had lost her keys. “Wherever you left them,” he replied.
“Well obviously, but where did I leave them?”
“Are they in your bag?”
“I’ve looked.”
“Looked in all the pockets, the small one with your lipstick?”
“Yes.” Susan started rummaging through her bag. “Oh wait there they are.”
“See, where you left them.”
“You do that all the time,” she was almost accusing him.
“Do what?”
“Tell me where I’ve left things.”
“No I don’t.”
“So how did you know where my keys were?”
“Well they were in your bag, where they usually are.”
“But you knew.”
“Well I must have seen you put them in.”
“No you left for work before I did.”
“Well when you got in.”
“No you were in the kitchen.”
“What are we arguing about?” Dave was suddenly aware that he was having a pointless argument that he could never win.
“You knew where my keys were.”
“And?”
“How did you know?”
“I don’t know I just suggested they were in your bag.”
“But you said they were in one of the pockets.”
“So?”
“Well they were there.”
“I don’t see what the problem is, you’ve got your keys, so now you can go out.”
“Do you know how annoying that is?”
“What? Me telling you where your keys are when you don’t know?”
“Yes,” Susan replied slightly reluctantly.
“More annoying than you losing your keys?”
“Nearly. Will you stop watching that telly and talk to me.”
“I am talking to you. Your keys were in the pocket of your bag.”
“But I never put them there.”
“Well they must have fallen in there.”
“So how did you know?”
“I didn’t know I just suggested it.”
Susan just stared at her husband. He was so bloody smug. “Right I’m going to catch you out.”
“What are you talking about? Are you going to hide my keys? Just because you can never find yours. That is great for house security that is.”
“Right I’m going out.”
“Okay then, don’t come in too drunk.”
“Where am I going?”
“I thought you said you were going round to Helen’s for a couple of glasses of wine.”
“You could come round and talk to Ben,” Susan was sounding a bit more conciliatory.
“He’ll just talk about golf,” he replied.
“You should take it up.”
“I do not want to hit a small ball into a small hole for no reason whatsoever and then do it another 17 times and pay a small fortune for the privilege. Has he told you how much he pays to be a member of that stupid club?”
“No.
“Well he’s told me, plenty of times, in fact every time we meet. Anyway have fun.”
Bastard, Susan thought. She walked out the front door nearly slamming it. Right, she was going to get him.
Dave watched as his wife locked the front door behind her. She was always losing things. It wasn’t difficult to keep track of things was it? Dave thought. All you had to do was remember where you put something. Dave never had any difficulty remembering. Keys, well they were in his left-hand trouser pocket unless of course they were hanging on the hook. He could always picture where he had left his keys. The same with anything really, if you just made a mental note of where something was then it was still there when you looked for it. Susan could never remember where she had left anything.
*
Dave’s mobile rang, he looked at the display. Susan, she would be drunk and wanting to chat, whereas he all he wanted to do was watch Bruce Willis blow things up. He paused the TV and answered his phone.
“So where am I then?” Susan accused him
“Round at Libby’s”
“Bastard.”
“What?”
“Did you follow me?”
“No why on Earth would I do that? Stalk my own wife?”
“So how did you know I was round at Libby’s?”
“Because you said so earlier.”
“No I said I was going round to Helen’s”
“So where are you?”
“Libby’s.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is, I was going round to Helen’s then we both ended up at Libby’s and you knew that.”
“Are you complaining that I know where you are when you’re out?”
“No.”
“Sounds like it to me.”
There was silence for a few moments, “Bastard.” The phone went dead.
Dave shrugged his shoulders, had Susan said she was going round to Helen’s? Yes she had. He remembered thinking about playing boring golf and Ben played golf and spoke about little else. Libby’s husband played golf but he could talk about other things. Why was he thinking about this? Susan seemed upset with him about something, but for the life of him he couldn’t work out what it was. He pressed the play button.
Saturday the 11th of July
Dave woke and carefully crawled out of bed. Susan was snoring. He vaguely remembered her noisily coming in, shushing and giggling. He got up, searched his pockets for his keys, they weren’t there. Oh yes he’d dropped them in his shoe.
*
Susan awoke with an incredible hangover, the sun was pouring in through the bedroom window, she must get some better blinds. Dave was already awake; he would be as bright as a shiny annoying button.
“Hello darling?” he said.
“Hmmfff.”
“Coffee?”
“Yes please.”
“I’m just going out to get the papers. Want anything for your hangover.”
Susan just shook her head.
“What time did I come in last night?”
“About two. You were making a terrible noise. Clattering and giggling. Woke me up, I’m just glad you weren’t sick like you were the last time.”
Susan tried to remember coming in, she was going to hide Dave’s keys in his shoe. She was glad she hadn’t because she might not have remembered doing it and then Dave would have been annoyed with her.
“Do you remember phoning me last night?” Dave asked.
“Yes sorry I was drunk. I’m going back to sleep.” She hid her head under the duvet.
“What about the coffee?”
“Later. You should really come out with me next time instead of being sad and lonely.”
“Well, okay perhaps next time I might.”
Friday the 17th of July
“Did I say that Dot has asked us round to the pub? It’s Jim’s birthday. You’ve to come as well, help him celebrate. You’ve met Jim before, he doesn’t play golf.”
“Oh okay then,” Dave replied. “Will there be cake?”
“I doubt it.”
“Ah well cake and beer don’t really mix.” Best go and get drunk some of the time, keep Susan happy. He enjoyed a good drink; just not the boring sports based banter that always went with it. Worst thing pubs ever did was put big screens in that showed nothing but football. The was only so much piss-taking you could do before boredom set in.
“There will be a big group of us and you won’t be stuck for a conversation and then we’re going back to their house for some more drinks and some nibbles.”
*
There wasn’t football on the telly, there was golf. The open or something. “You know what would make golf more interesting?”
“What?”
“Tigers.”
“Tiger Woods?”
“No tigers in the woods.”
“We’re off to Jim and Dot’s,” Helen said. “Enjoying yourself?”
“I’ll follow on after I’ve finished this pint.”
*
“Did you hide Dave’s keys?” Helen asked as she struggled with the cork-screw. “You said you were going to.”
“So I did,” Susan replied. “I don’t think so, he had them in the morning, to be honest I don’t really remember it was all a bit of a blur. I don’t even remember walking home.”
“Let’s hide them now.”
“No he’s actually talking to Jim, let’s not disturb him if he’s being sociable, you have no idea how hard it is to drag him out.”
“He seems quite happy now.”
“Yes well he’s got a beer hasn’t he.”
“Come on,” Helen said grabbing Susan’s and Libby’s sleeves, “let’s get his keys and hide them.”
Dave was suddenly aware of some movement behind him and then Helen, Susan’s friend, rugby tackled him. He collapsed onto the grass. Helen was holding him down while Libby was on top searching through his pockets. What was going on?
“Got them,” Libby shouted, and Dave saw the flash of the blue of his key-ring as Libby ran off followed by a giggling Helen.
“What was all that about?” Jim asked.
“Susan has been going on at me for the last week about finding keys,” Dave replied getting up and looking at his grass stained top. At least he would have a good reason for messy clothes when he got a bollocking later. “I’m not sure what she’s on about. As far as I can work out she gets annoyed cause she always loses hers and I know where they are. Last Friday she lost her keys, I told her where they were and then she got angry.”
“Had you hidden them?”
“No, wouldn’t dare, they were in her bag.”
“So why couldn’t she find them?”
“She just hadn’t looked.”
“So how did you know where they were?”
“I don’t know, they’re usually in her bag, I must have guessed.”
“So where are they now?” Jim asked.
“Susan’s keys?”
“Yes?”
“In her bag, again.”
“And yours?”
“Libby ran off with them, now Ben’s got them.”
“So how come he’s got them?”
“She handed them to him.”
“But you can’t see him,” Jim said.
“Eh?”
“So how come… Come on, Ben’s over there, let’s go get them.”
Jim and Dave walked over to where Ben was talking to Gregor. “Can I have my keys back?” Dave asked.
“These them?” Ben asked pulling out Dave’s key-ring. “Why did Libby have them?”
“I can’t be bothered explaining again.”
“How did you know?” Susan said appearing from behind Ben.
“Know what?”
“Ben had your keys.”
“I was discussing it with Jim.”
“But,” Jim said, “you told me Ben had them and you knew without seeing Libby hand them to Ben.”
Dave tried to remember the conversation, he had mentioned Ben first, but then he knew… He couldn’t be bothered. He finished his bottle of beer. “More beer anyone?”
“Don’t mind if I do,” Jim replied.
“No wait you’re not getting away that easy. How did you know Libby had given Ben your keys?” Susan demanded.
Dave was now aware that everyone was staring at him.
“I don’t know, I just sort of knew, I must have guessed or something.”
“Let’s try it again,” Helen suggested.
“Can I suggest we do it with something other than my keys,” Dave said. He didn’t fancy someone deliberately hiding his keys and then not remembering where they had put them.
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, this beer bottle.”
“Right,” Helen took it away. “No peeking,”
“I’ve always hated this game,” Dave said.
“What do you mean?” Ben replied taking another swig of beer.
“Hide and seek, it’s not difficult is it?”
“Of course it is. It is difficult because you don’t know where anyone is.”
“But people always hide in the easiest of places, and then say you cheat when you find them.”
Helen reappeared. “Right where’s the beer bottle then?”
Dave thought for a moment. “Don’t know. You’ve hidden it.”
“This is no good, you’ve got to try.”
“I know where it is,” Dave said. “Follow me.”
Dave walked into the kitchen opened the fridge, got himself out another beer. “Here it is.” He walked over to a table and looked under it, picked the bottle opener off the floor and opened his bottle. He suddenly realised he was alone but there was a large trampoline waiting to get bounced on.
Saturday the 18th of July
For once Dave had the hangover and Susan was the bright and cheerful one.
“Morning sleepy-head,” she said.
“Good m’ing,” Dave replied.
“Have you seen my purse?”
“In your underwear drawer.”
“Thanks darling.”
*
“Can we have a chat?” Susan asked, “I’m not sure whether to be happy or what.”
Dave peered over the duvet. “Okay,” the way Susan had been speaking, it sounded really serious. With all the shit that had been going on over the last few days Dave wouldn’t have been surprised she said she was going to divorce him.
“Did you never like hide and seek, when you were little?”
“Are you still going on about this?” At least divorce wasn’t coming up directly. What are the grounds for divorce? My client’s husband cheated at hide and seek when he was a child.
“I am serious, so just humour me.”
“Okay.”
“What used to happen when you played hide and seek when you were little?”
“We didn’t play it often, I always won, then I would be accused of cheating and then we’d fall out. It wasn’t worth it. Then whenever anyone suggested it, I would refuse to play because I didn’t want to have a fight and then a fight would ensue because of that. Why do you ask?”
“This morning, I hid my purse in my underwear drawer, you were fast asleep. Then when you woke up, I asked you where it was. You knew.”
“So what are you saying?”
“I am saying that you always know where something is?”
“Don’t be daft, that’s silly, anyway I wasn’t pretending last night. I didn’t know where the beer bottle was.”
“Well maybe you don’t always know where something is, but you do have a knack for it.”
Dave said nothing for a few moments. “Pretty crap super-power though, I’d much rather have invisibility or fly or teleport.”
“So where are my keys?”
“In with the knives,” Dave replied before he could stop himself, ‘shit.”
“So how did you know?” Susan was really staring at him.
“I sort of saw you leave them there but now if I think about it, I know I couldn’t have, didn’t.”
“I think you sort of justify it in your mind.” Susan was almost jumping. There was nothing worse than a happy bouncy person when you had a hangover.
“So are you happy now?” Dave asked.
“Well yes this time last week I thought you deliberately annoying me. This week, hey my husband has a super-power.” She danced over to the window. “So what did you think was going on?”
“I just thought you were finding crap to argue about. You know pointless things.”
“I never do that.”
“Can I go back to sleep now?” Dave was not going to answer that. He was not in the mood for another argument. “And can you stop jumping about.”
Sunday the 19th of July
“Right I’ve hidden the following things about the house,” Susan said, “my purse, my keys, the ketchup…”
“The ketchup?” Dave replied. He was actually beginning to enjoy himself.
“Well yes, if we’re going to find out how this works we need to experiment. The ketchup, a knife, and my Abba Gold CD.”
“How this works?”
“Well there must be limitations or rules.”
Dave wasn’t convinced, there would be rules, however if it kept Susan happy.
“Keys. They’re in the bathroom cabinet. Purse, that’s under the sofa, ketchup, the fridge where you always keep it? Knife and CD, sorry no idea.”
“Two out of five, you got the ketchup wrong.”
“So it’s not infallible, in fact 40% success rate is pretty crap.”
“No, no,” Susan said excitedly “I think it only works with certain things. Things that you’re really attached to.”
“Yeh, well I’m not really attached to Abba am I? Perhaps it’s only important things. Can you do me a favour?”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t tell anyone at the moment.”
“Why ever not? This is fantastic.”
“How many people do you know with a super-power? Anyway what would you say? Err my husband is an X-man.”
“Well no, perhaps… Right stay there while I go and hide some more things.”
*
“I’ve got it,” Susan said after another hour’s experimentation. “It’s uniqueness.”
“Eh?”
“Things like bunches of keys, well there’s only one of those, well there are lots of keys but each bunch is unique. Same for purses but there are lots of bottles of beer or ketchup.”
“And Abba sold a lot of CDs, an awful lot. Awful being the operative word.”
Susan stared at her husband.
“So what are we going to do now?” Dave asked, ‘Now that you’ve worked its rules out, are you going to give it a rest?”
“No you could find Lord Lucan, Where’s he?”
“Dead in Africa.”
“Sure?”
“Yes I saw a TV program about it once. Botswana I think.”
“You’re not taking this seriously. What about the Holy Grail?”
“No thanks, I’ve already got one,” Dave replied in a silly French accent.
“What?”
“You really need to watch that film.”
“What film? And what about Shergar? Could you find him?”
Dave sat and thought. He concentrated on the whereabouts of the last drinking vessel of Christ and a dead racehorse. Nothing. “Can I put the telly on now? Anyway say I found them how would people be able to identify them. Oh here’s the Holy Grail by the way, yes I know it’s a bit dirty oh and this horse’s skeleton it really is Shergar.”
“They could DNA it, he must have lots of descendants.”
Dave just stared at Susan.
Tuesday the 21st of July
‘Lost – Felix, black and white cat’, owners didn’t show much imagination in naming their cat then, Susan thought. ‘Last seen in the area of Grove Hill, if found please phone…’ Susan studied the picture of the cat. Just the thing to try out her husband’s newly discovered super-power.
*
“Felix? A cat?”
“Yes, so do you know where he is?”
Dave shook his head. “No, nor do I know where Tiddles is, or…”
“Come on, let’s go and find him.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, what else were you going to do?”
“I didn’t have any plans but I certainly don’t want to trawl the streets looking for lost pets.”
“Come on,” Susan threw Dave his coat. “I’ll drive, you can use your super senses to go looking for cats.”
“Look I’ve been thinking, perhaps…”
“No we’re going to see if we can use this for real. So no wimping out and no pretending.” Susan stared at her husband daring him.
Dave stared back his wife. “Right I’ll do my best this evening, but see if I can’t find what’s his name?”
“Felix.”
“Yes Felix, then we forget this whole episode.”
“See if you do find him, I’m going to make you a cape.”
“You’re not selling this very well.”
“What should we use as your superhero name? Find-it Man?”
Dave just wished Susan would give it a rest, unfortunately, he knew his wife too well.
*
Susan drove round for about ten minutes. Dave said nothing for the whole period. Eventually Susan’s frustrations got the better of her. “Well?”
“Nothing.”
“Sure?”
“Positive. It’s as you said, it’s got to mean something to me, and Felix to me is just a black and white annoyance that shits in our garden.”
“Look there’s one of the posters. Let’s see if it helps,” Susan said slowing the car down.
Dave stared at the poster; he got out the car and examined it. He ripped it off the lamppost. “Come on let’s go,” he said getting back into the car.
“Where?”
“That way.”
Susan drove south.
“Right here,” Dave ordered.
“Do you mean turn right?”
“Yes what else would I mean?”
Susan turned and drove along a narrow road. “Well could mean right… oh never mind.”
“Left here.”
“By the river?”
“Yes.”
Susan drove along the bumpy track. “You sure?”
“Stop here.”
Susan stopped the car. Dave jumped out and ran down towards the riverbank. He stopped, there floating in the water, jammed between two rocks was the black and white corpse of Felix. Dave looked around, after a few minutes he found a branch. He tried to manoeuvre the corpse towards him.
“Careful,” Susan said from behind.
“Bugger,” Dave said as the cat drifted further away.
“Is it dead?”
“Of course it’s dead.”
“What are you going to do with it?” Susan asked.
Dave stopped. “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.”
“Have you got your phone?”
“Yes.”
“I think we should phone the owners.”
*
“Thank-you,” Felix’s owner said. “The girls will be very upset.”
“Just disappointed that it couldn’t be better news.”
“So how did you find him?”
“We were down by the river, and saw him, and we’d seen the posters. So we thought we would phone you.” It wasn’t the full truth, but Dave wasn’t going to admit that he had been nagged by his wife to looking for lost cats using a recently discovered super-power.
*
Dave and Susan got back into their car; they drove back home in silence.
“Want a beer?” Susan asked.
“Fuck yes.”
“Pub?”
*
“Do you think we should tell anyone?” Susan asked, nursing her glass of Chardonnay.
“Tell them what?”
“That you can find things.”
“Tell who? The police? What am I supposed to do? Go and walk into the police station and say, ‘Oh by the way I can find all your missing persons’? They’d arrest me after the first corpse under the concrete of the M4 was unearthed.”
“Are there any…? Oh here’s Helen and Ben.”
“Pint?” Ben asked walking over.
“Don’t mind if I do?” Dave replied.
“Glass of wine Susan? We don’t often see you in here.”
“No we thought we’d just drop in,” Susan replied.
“Been up to much?” Ben asked
“Just been down by the river,” Dave replied. “There was a dead cat.”
“I’ve just hit a round for 85. Got a birdie at the 9th.”
Dave didn’t want to discuss super-powers but please God anything but golf. He felt his brain begin to glaze over.
Thursday the 23rd of July
“Can you get it?” Susan shouted as the doorbell rang for the second time.
“Got it,” Dave replied opening the door. “Hello Jim. Come in, to what do we owe the pleasure?”
Jim looked a bit wary. “Are you still doing the finding thing?” he asked.
“The finding thing?”
“Yes you know the other evening at our house.”
“Have you lost something?”
“We’re going to a wedding tomorrow and I can’t find one of my cufflinks.”
Susan emerged to the sound of a flushing toilet. “Hi Jim.”
“He’s lost a cufflink,” Dave explained.
“Well come on Dave, let’s go over and see if we can find it,” Susan winked at her husband.
*
“Have you looked on the floor of the wardrobe?” Dave asked.
“Yes three times.”
“In the back? It could have fallen out of its box.”
“Yes,” Jim replied, emptying out the shelf of his wardrobe. “Oh there it is. You found it.”
“It was in the obvious place really,” Dave replied.
“I owe you one.”
“We’d better get back,” Dave replied.
*
“I thought you wouldn’t find it so quickly,” Susan said.
“So did I, I just said the back of the wardrobe as a normal suggestion. I wanted to waste a good twenty minutes and then find it just before we gave up unless it was in a really silly place, like down the bog, then I don’t know what I would have done.”
Susan just started to laugh.
Monday the 27th of July
Susan picked up her plate, took it through to the living room. Dave followed. Susan switched on the television.
“On the news tonight, a daring robbery, three Turners have been stolen from the National Gallery. Police are refusing to reveal how the pieces were stolen. A reward of £250,000 is being offered as a reward for their return.”
“Hear that?” Susan said. “They’re offering a reward.”
“So?” Dave replied suddenly paying an interest in the TV.
“We could collect it.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“And what do we say when we’re interviewed by the police. ‘So Mr. Green, how did you come to know of the missing paintings?”
“If they arrest you it has to be for an actual crime and you haven’t committed one.”
“The crime they’ll arrest me for, is stealing three paintings.”
“They won’t have any evidence.”
“Apart from the fact I showed them where they were.”
“And you were nowhere near London.”
“I could, look I don’t know.”
“Well, we tell them anonymously.”
“And how do we collect the reward? Anyway what are the paintings?”
“’Sun rising through vapour, something about Dutch boats, and something about Carthage, you know where Hannibal came from, you’re thinking about this?”
“Perhaps, we’ll have to go to London and that’s a long way away and I don’t fancy driving round there. The traffic there scares me.”
“We could get a taxi.”
“Well that won’t cost much.”
“So this gift of yours, do you physically have to go and search for it?”
“I don’t know, all I’ve found is a dead cat and stuff you’ve hidden, so let’s not get too excited.”
“And the cuff-link.”
“No I didn’t”
Susan sat silently.
“Right if you can finance this search,” Dave continued, “avoid me getting arrested and ensure we remain anonymous then I’ll consider it.”
“You only need to remain anonymous until they arrest the thieves.”
“Who are not going to be too pleased with me fingering them. And when I say fingering I mean fingering in the non-sexual meaning.”
Thursday the 30th of July
“I’ve been looking in the London A-Z,” Dave said.
“And why are you telling me this?” Susan asked.
“I know where the paintings are.”
“Are you sure?”
“No I’m not sure actually. Because I’m acting on a gut feeling that I can do something no ordinary human can do. Having said that I’m pretty damn sure that they’re on page 43. Not only that, I know the grid reference.”
Susan stared at her husband. “What should we do?”
“We somehow send an anonymous message to the National Gallery, saying where they are and to donate the reward money to charity.”
“We need to add in a code word.”
“What do you mean?” Dave asked.
“Well we add in a word that means that when they receive another tip-off from us then they know it’s the real deal.”
“Shit.”
“What?”
“I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.” Dave’s mind was going through possible scenarios. “So what word would you use?”
“Ketchup?”
“Don’t be silly, let’s use Abba songs. Code word is Fernando. Then next time we’ll use Waterloo. It will get people really wondering what the pattern is and if they start looking for a pattern then they won’t be looking for us.”
“Is it near Waterloo station?
“I don’t think so.” Dave leafed through the A-Z. “No.”
“If there’s something in Glasgow, then we use Super Trooper,” Susan said.
Why?”
“They mention Glasgow in the song.”
Dave thought for a moment, “No let’s not do a real pattern, let’s just make it random. Real patterns, they’ll be too difficult to do and they’ll never suspect me, I don’t like Abba.”
Saturday the 4th of August
“Police have announced that they have recovered the three stolen Turner paintings stolen from the National Gallery last month, after receiving two anonymous tip-offs. The reward is going to be split between the two different…”
“Bastards,” Susan said.
“What are you complaining about?”
“Someone has stolen our thunder.”
Dave just laughed.
“Stop it,” Susan threw a cushion at him.
“Look it’s not as if we were actually going to get the money, it was going to charity. Anyway they received two tip-offs, next time we send one they’ll have to take notice as ours was accurate.”
