Favourite Lines
There are some bits of text that I really like, but all too many of them would spoil the plot, but a few don't give too much away, so below are a few of them. They should give you a flavour of what's to come but some are downright misleading regarding the plots.
A Slight Mistake in the Code
These were designed for tweeting, hence they're so short. I may revisit these
If one more person tells me to get below decks, I’m going to thump them. Now where are those bloody rifles?
How come everyone doesn’t get eaten by the dinosaurs?
You’ve not been having any strange dreams recently have you? Because the chosen one usually has dreams.
That’s how come I can take out any human armed with anything smaller than a tactical nuke or lift buses.
That’s the spirit. It’ll still be brown trousers time but what a rush eh!
Perhaps he could. Or perhaps I could make him eat his own testicles
He stood back as the walls began to melt and spread apart. “Oh shit,” he said
Important lesson! Don’t switch your radio off when having your lunch
That contains me. It’s got my memories and personality in it. If you like you can think of it as my soul.
What? Dinosaurs? They won’t hurt you.
I suspect because the land they came from had no dangerous animals and you can’t get more dangerous than a T. rex
You know the law; they are inhuman copies of humans. They cannot be allowed to exist.
We were asked by the ancient guardians of Teenin, those who must protect the dinosaurs from the evil attentions of humans
To the north a multicoloured column rose from the ground, it narrowed in the middle and then higher, it widened to join the sky
“Right everybody out of the way,” she shouted. “Major brain fry for those that don’t.”
Anyway, have you ever tried a thousand year old curry?
Never, ever mess around with these controls. You could really make a mess of things, switch off gravity or anything.
If the guns are under human control then if anything is going to panic the operators then giant spiders will. It would me!
The ‘Door of the Gods’ was still singing depressing songs in ancient English.
“Are you followers of the true God?” another Zedixian voice shouted out. - “Are we buggery?”
“So bishop, now I get to kick you both up the arse,”
There were no demons. It is all in your head. You may have laid waste to your land but you will not do it to mine.
He’s not a prophet. He’s just a nutter with delusions of grandeur.
You know how we defeated an evil empire, destiny and all that crap, I think we might have defeated the wrong one.
There were various ancient words for these, each ancient religion had its own term – crusade, jihad or litigation
If one more person tells me to get below decks, I’m going to thump them. Now where are those bloody rifles?
How come everyone doesn’t get eaten by the dinosaurs?
You’ve not been having any strange dreams recently have you? Because the chosen one usually has dreams.
That’s how come I can take out any human armed with anything smaller than a tactical nuke or lift buses.
That’s the spirit. It’ll still be brown trousers time but what a rush eh!
Perhaps he could. Or perhaps I could make him eat his own testicles
He stood back as the walls began to melt and spread apart. “Oh shit,” he said
Important lesson! Don’t switch your radio off when having your lunch
That contains me. It’s got my memories and personality in it. If you like you can think of it as my soul.
What? Dinosaurs? They won’t hurt you.
I suspect because the land they came from had no dangerous animals and you can’t get more dangerous than a T. rex
You know the law; they are inhuman copies of humans. They cannot be allowed to exist.
We were asked by the ancient guardians of Teenin, those who must protect the dinosaurs from the evil attentions of humans
To the north a multicoloured column rose from the ground, it narrowed in the middle and then higher, it widened to join the sky
“Right everybody out of the way,” she shouted. “Major brain fry for those that don’t.”
Anyway, have you ever tried a thousand year old curry?
Never, ever mess around with these controls. You could really make a mess of things, switch off gravity or anything.
If the guns are under human control then if anything is going to panic the operators then giant spiders will. It would me!
The ‘Door of the Gods’ was still singing depressing songs in ancient English.
“Are you followers of the true God?” another Zedixian voice shouted out. - “Are we buggery?”
“So bishop, now I get to kick you both up the arse,”
There were no demons. It is all in your head. You may have laid waste to your land but you will not do it to mine.
He’s not a prophet. He’s just a nutter with delusions of grandeur.
You know how we defeated an evil empire, destiny and all that crap, I think we might have defeated the wrong one.
There were various ancient words for these, each ancient religion had its own term – crusade, jihad or litigation
No Longer Yesterday
She was wearing an obviously homemade black hat with a skull and two other bones painted on. Janol refused to ask why.
“One of old Earth’s great philosophers once said ‘Anger is an energy’ he was right.”
“What’s a wombat?” Henroril asked.
“It’s an old term for a spy within a group or it might have been another animal. No I’m sure it was a wombat.”
“Look, do you want me to be grumpy while holding a gun on you or not?”
“You might consider getting us into shore, big scary monster in the sea.”
“Nothing, I was here making a documentary about the primitives of Wyive.”
“Primitives with miniature anti-grav generators?”
“No, not at the moment I’m explaining why teleport is so difficult to do,” she replied using all her self-discipline to remain polite.
He stared at her for a while and then said, “Androids can’t join the police.”
“Why not? You’re an equal opportunities employer after all. You have to be.”
They sent a submarine full of soldiers and documentary makers and everything to Wyive just to get me. They are playing hard.
“Being a long time in the company of a charming and interesting man, no matter what you may think of him … And a powerful man. Power is supposedly the greatest aphrodisiac there is. Have you ever seen the Milky Way?”
The waiters wore silver uniforms with either silver face-paint or metallic-looking masks. The maitre-d was dressed in black with a complex face-mask that made his accentuated his breathing. He was supposed to represent a mythical being that fought androids. The low-level lighting and the futuristic, an ancient term meaning hi-tech and unusual, décor gave the restaurant a unique feel.
“I don’t know but I have six days to decide. Tell me all you know about military court-martials.”
“Are you mad? I’ve got millions of Dels stuffed down my trousers and you want to be interviewed!”
“We are members of the KLF and the only reason you are still alive is that we are interested in why he went to so much trouble to try to kill you and make it look like we did it.”
She studied the menu, it was full of ancient terms. Polo – that was chicken, soup – that was søp just spelt wrong and poison, that meant fish.
Half an hour later, a military band started playing. Janol just stared in disbelief. They were going to execute someone and they had a marching band. Were they going to have dancing girls?
The noises died down to an almost silence as the statue pulled down its trousers. The hologram of the president’s statue bent over to examine its non-existent genitals, stuck its naked bottom in the air and then just disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“I don’t have any firm plans to but if that …” Janol turned and faced the camera. “Hello Mister President, I’m coming to get you. Be afraid, be very afraid.”
Good, Janol thought. He would rather that the person who was going to get the flack for letting him get away was an uncaring shit.
“You’re making a big assumption,” Rodgal said. “A very big assumption.”
“What’s that?”
“That the person in charge is sane.”
“If you attempt to hug me, I will leave you here,” Onnil warned. “I don’t hug.”
“You really can be quite evil at times.”
“I know, I like to think it’s one of my better qualities.”
“What do women look for in a man, apart from a good sense of humour, a nicely shaped arse and muscles?”
The pastor ran back to the door rattled the door-handle and banged on the door. “Help they’re letting the demons out,” He turned round and stared at the floor with fear.
“Where am I?”
“Well depending on your religious outlook, either in the gates of hell where the demons roam, or in an access tunnel.”
“Well we have one thing we did not have yesterday.”
“What is that?”
“Hope.”
She stared at herself in the mirror. Danger! That was not one aspect she would miss. That was not it though, there was something else, something she could not quite identify. She spoke to her reflection in the mirror. “Janol, you bastard. I’ll never be happy with anyone else.”
“So why do you want to keep it a secret then?”
“I want to see the expressions on their faces when I tell them.”
“In the prophecy it’s an empire. They were always empires.”
“One of old Earth’s great philosophers once said ‘Anger is an energy’ he was right.”
“What’s a wombat?” Henroril asked.
“It’s an old term for a spy within a group or it might have been another animal. No I’m sure it was a wombat.”
“Look, do you want me to be grumpy while holding a gun on you or not?”
“You might consider getting us into shore, big scary monster in the sea.”
“Nothing, I was here making a documentary about the primitives of Wyive.”
“Primitives with miniature anti-grav generators?”
“No, not at the moment I’m explaining why teleport is so difficult to do,” she replied using all her self-discipline to remain polite.
He stared at her for a while and then said, “Androids can’t join the police.”
“Why not? You’re an equal opportunities employer after all. You have to be.”
They sent a submarine full of soldiers and documentary makers and everything to Wyive just to get me. They are playing hard.
“Being a long time in the company of a charming and interesting man, no matter what you may think of him … And a powerful man. Power is supposedly the greatest aphrodisiac there is. Have you ever seen the Milky Way?”
The waiters wore silver uniforms with either silver face-paint or metallic-looking masks. The maitre-d was dressed in black with a complex face-mask that made his accentuated his breathing. He was supposed to represent a mythical being that fought androids. The low-level lighting and the futuristic, an ancient term meaning hi-tech and unusual, décor gave the restaurant a unique feel.
“I don’t know but I have six days to decide. Tell me all you know about military court-martials.”
“Are you mad? I’ve got millions of Dels stuffed down my trousers and you want to be interviewed!”
“We are members of the KLF and the only reason you are still alive is that we are interested in why he went to so much trouble to try to kill you and make it look like we did it.”
She studied the menu, it was full of ancient terms. Polo – that was chicken, soup – that was søp just spelt wrong and poison, that meant fish.
Half an hour later, a military band started playing. Janol just stared in disbelief. They were going to execute someone and they had a marching band. Were they going to have dancing girls?
The noises died down to an almost silence as the statue pulled down its trousers. The hologram of the president’s statue bent over to examine its non-existent genitals, stuck its naked bottom in the air and then just disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“I don’t have any firm plans to but if that …” Janol turned and faced the camera. “Hello Mister President, I’m coming to get you. Be afraid, be very afraid.”
Good, Janol thought. He would rather that the person who was going to get the flack for letting him get away was an uncaring shit.
“You’re making a big assumption,” Rodgal said. “A very big assumption.”
“What’s that?”
“That the person in charge is sane.”
“If you attempt to hug me, I will leave you here,” Onnil warned. “I don’t hug.”
“You really can be quite evil at times.”
“I know, I like to think it’s one of my better qualities.”
“What do women look for in a man, apart from a good sense of humour, a nicely shaped arse and muscles?”
The pastor ran back to the door rattled the door-handle and banged on the door. “Help they’re letting the demons out,” He turned round and stared at the floor with fear.
“Where am I?”
“Well depending on your religious outlook, either in the gates of hell where the demons roam, or in an access tunnel.”
“Well we have one thing we did not have yesterday.”
“What is that?”
“Hope.”
She stared at herself in the mirror. Danger! That was not one aspect she would miss. That was not it though, there was something else, something she could not quite identify. She spoke to her reflection in the mirror. “Janol, you bastard. I’ll never be happy with anyone else.”
“So why do you want to keep it a secret then?”
“I want to see the expressions on their faces when I tell them.”
“In the prophecy it’s an empire. They were always empires.”
Remain in Light
“Not all romance has to be cakes and flowers. What’s wrong with going out and blasting bad-guys with fireballs?”
“I know, but it made me laugh and there always has to be an obscure bit that nobody can work out. It’s one of the rules of writing prophecies. Keep some debate going and therefore the prophecy in everyone’s minds.”
The assassins had been wearing infrared goggles, the fools.
“Dinosaur land? You travelled all the way from there to here?”
“Aim for the head,” Onnil said. “They have vests on. They are professional. So disabling them will only make them angry.”
“Take me to your leader,” Onnil said in English. She had always wanted to say that.
“So you can look cool. They’ll open the door to see you standing with a pile of corpses. If you want to look really impressive, stand with one foot on top of a corpse holding one of the laser rifles and give a big cheesy smile.”
Rodgal picked up his radio. “Err, you’d better get in here, we have a situation.”
“What sort of situation?”
“A dead body situation.”
Onnil had to stop herself going into full sarcasm mode and saying things like ‘I have journey far’ or ‘I have fought many battles’.
What was going on here? Well they had had a thousand years to make a mess of things.
“They were the regions of the Earth that tended to dominate the others at various times. You’ll have to read Earth’s history for explanations and most of that is harrowing stuff. People can be real shits.”
“Well it’s time to get the factory up and running. Fire up the furnaces, metaphorically speaking. I wish to place an order.”
“Have you ever arrested anybody before, because you don’t look that good at it? I have arrested hundreds of people in my time and let me tell you, you are going about it the wrong bloody way.”
“Well carry on work on them, can we not call them something other than satellites, I believe it is the wrong term.”
“It is the ancient name for devices put in the sky to spy on enemies.”
“Yes but they didn’t have legs with suckers.”
“Would you prefer to call them the spy-octopuses?”
And can I give you a piece of advice when it comes to events and history and there are two conflicting theories of events, either cock-up or conspiracy. If you want to know which version is correct then my advice is always go for the cock-up. The ability of you humans to organise anything always amazes me. How you ever managed to build a civilisation that was sophisticated enough to build the Sphere or me is beyond me. I’ve looked at your history and most vast conspiracies were usually the result of somebody making a balls-up of something and then trying to cover their tracks. All your best intentions go wrong. Some arse usually turns up trying to gain as much personal power, wealth or whatever from anything you try to do and totally and utterly buggers it up. I’ve got off the point there, but the point I was trying to make was it’s not a conspiracy. It’s a cock-up, like most of your history.
One of the unicorns had a saddle. He was pushed towards it. Shandos had never ridden a horse before in his life and now he was expecting to ride a mythical beast.
“Where are we going?”
Bizarrely one of his captors started doing aeroplane impersonations.
“Well if they are using genetic engineering as a cover story, then we have no hope here. We may as well pack up and go home and give them no inkling of where we come from.”
She unlike me does not have a soft spot for you. Actually it would be more like a hard spot.
“I do remember them making a horse of many colours, one that could change its colour chameleon-like. It didn’t really work very well as they’re colour-blind.”
“Take me to your leader,” Onnil said in English. “These Beesidians have been very naughty.” She nodded to Golrin. “And she has been a particularly naughty girl.”
“I’ve never seen one of these before. So you’ve taken some narwhal DNA and put it a horse and made a unicorn,” she said. “Good job you didn’t accidentally make an animal that filter feeds grass.”
Shit, they’ve sent the psycho-monster into the room with me.
“Bingo,” Wiqalith said.
“That was one of Onnil’s sayings wasn’t it?”
“Yes, you shout it out when you’re closing in on your opponent in a game of chess.”
Wiqalith walked over to where Zarin was and stared at the hair. “Bingo-mate,” she said.
If you wanted someone dead then the best way to ensure it was to hire the ninjas.
“Yes George the demon from the abyss. But don’t use his name too often it can attract their attention.”
The demon screamed and leapt over Wiqalith towards the group, they just started to run off.
“Well rampage in a nice fluffy, cuddling kittens sort of way. Not a horrible, killing people sort of way.”
“You can call me Geronimo. This is Ghandi, Ned Kelly and Ho Chi Minh.”
I’m going to give them to Geronimo and his merry men. No wait it wasn’t Geronimo that had merry men, that was someone else. I can’t remember who.
“We don’t need any potatoes. But we do need some beer.”
“Potatoes?”
“No, no potatoes.”
“Yams?”
“Let’s stay away from all root vegetables.”
“Ho Chi Minh has specifically been asking for carrots.”
“I promise you that it will be only you against me. Nothing from the underworld or from the fifth circle of hell.”
I know the vice-president is angling for a shoot out, so he can assume the reigns of power, but you ought to know by now that we have put our shields onto maximum. If we can get the Romulan cloaking device working then it’s going on and we are setting phasers to maximum.
We’ll know soon enough as we know the exact time-table.” Janol held up a piece of paper which had ‘To do - Next week, invade New Sidnee’ written in a child-like scrawl in orange crayon.
“At least not like any I’ve seen before. They look more like the dragons from my childhood.”
“Where did you grow up?” Shandos asked.
“Think of them as giant, robotic, nanobot, intelligent, slime-moulds,” Onnil replied.
“Oh and when you have children Ivan, don’t call them Ivan. It confuses the hell out of me. That’s why we have surnames, so we can us the first name to tell people apart.”
“Have we officially decided what is a rainbow is?”
“There are still the two competing theories. It’s either some sort of hat worn in the rain, or the colours you get when light is split through raindrops.”
“I like the hat theory best. Why would anyone one give such a name to such an esoteric phenomenon?”
“I don’t believe the guards exist anymore. They are just stories to scare children when they are naughty.”
“As we change from Cannon to Rainbow, I have the pleasure to announce that next year will be the year of Zippy.”
“I’m going to summon up George the Demon from the third abyss of hell.”
“I even managed to get my bare arse broadcast. A first for a generation, all thanks to you.”
“Empires rarely fall apart peacefully.”
“Has it happened before?”
“A few times on Earth in the Twentieth and Twenty-first Centuries. The Soviet Union, Yugoslavia and the United States were the most famous ones.”
“I know, but it made me laugh and there always has to be an obscure bit that nobody can work out. It’s one of the rules of writing prophecies. Keep some debate going and therefore the prophecy in everyone’s minds.”
The assassins had been wearing infrared goggles, the fools.
“Dinosaur land? You travelled all the way from there to here?”
“Aim for the head,” Onnil said. “They have vests on. They are professional. So disabling them will only make them angry.”
“Take me to your leader,” Onnil said in English. She had always wanted to say that.
“So you can look cool. They’ll open the door to see you standing with a pile of corpses. If you want to look really impressive, stand with one foot on top of a corpse holding one of the laser rifles and give a big cheesy smile.”
Rodgal picked up his radio. “Err, you’d better get in here, we have a situation.”
“What sort of situation?”
“A dead body situation.”
Onnil had to stop herself going into full sarcasm mode and saying things like ‘I have journey far’ or ‘I have fought many battles’.
What was going on here? Well they had had a thousand years to make a mess of things.
“They were the regions of the Earth that tended to dominate the others at various times. You’ll have to read Earth’s history for explanations and most of that is harrowing stuff. People can be real shits.”
“Well it’s time to get the factory up and running. Fire up the furnaces, metaphorically speaking. I wish to place an order.”
“Have you ever arrested anybody before, because you don’t look that good at it? I have arrested hundreds of people in my time and let me tell you, you are going about it the wrong bloody way.”
“Well carry on work on them, can we not call them something other than satellites, I believe it is the wrong term.”
“It is the ancient name for devices put in the sky to spy on enemies.”
“Yes but they didn’t have legs with suckers.”
“Would you prefer to call them the spy-octopuses?”
And can I give you a piece of advice when it comes to events and history and there are two conflicting theories of events, either cock-up or conspiracy. If you want to know which version is correct then my advice is always go for the cock-up. The ability of you humans to organise anything always amazes me. How you ever managed to build a civilisation that was sophisticated enough to build the Sphere or me is beyond me. I’ve looked at your history and most vast conspiracies were usually the result of somebody making a balls-up of something and then trying to cover their tracks. All your best intentions go wrong. Some arse usually turns up trying to gain as much personal power, wealth or whatever from anything you try to do and totally and utterly buggers it up. I’ve got off the point there, but the point I was trying to make was it’s not a conspiracy. It’s a cock-up, like most of your history.
One of the unicorns had a saddle. He was pushed towards it. Shandos had never ridden a horse before in his life and now he was expecting to ride a mythical beast.
“Where are we going?”
Bizarrely one of his captors started doing aeroplane impersonations.
“Well if they are using genetic engineering as a cover story, then we have no hope here. We may as well pack up and go home and give them no inkling of where we come from.”
She unlike me does not have a soft spot for you. Actually it would be more like a hard spot.
“I do remember them making a horse of many colours, one that could change its colour chameleon-like. It didn’t really work very well as they’re colour-blind.”
“Take me to your leader,” Onnil said in English. “These Beesidians have been very naughty.” She nodded to Golrin. “And she has been a particularly naughty girl.”
“I’ve never seen one of these before. So you’ve taken some narwhal DNA and put it a horse and made a unicorn,” she said. “Good job you didn’t accidentally make an animal that filter feeds grass.”
Shit, they’ve sent the psycho-monster into the room with me.
“Bingo,” Wiqalith said.
“That was one of Onnil’s sayings wasn’t it?”
“Yes, you shout it out when you’re closing in on your opponent in a game of chess.”
Wiqalith walked over to where Zarin was and stared at the hair. “Bingo-mate,” she said.
If you wanted someone dead then the best way to ensure it was to hire the ninjas.
“Yes George the demon from the abyss. But don’t use his name too often it can attract their attention.”
The demon screamed and leapt over Wiqalith towards the group, they just started to run off.
“Well rampage in a nice fluffy, cuddling kittens sort of way. Not a horrible, killing people sort of way.”
“You can call me Geronimo. This is Ghandi, Ned Kelly and Ho Chi Minh.”
I’m going to give them to Geronimo and his merry men. No wait it wasn’t Geronimo that had merry men, that was someone else. I can’t remember who.
“We don’t need any potatoes. But we do need some beer.”
“Potatoes?”
“No, no potatoes.”
“Yams?”
“Let’s stay away from all root vegetables.”
“Ho Chi Minh has specifically been asking for carrots.”
“I promise you that it will be only you against me. Nothing from the underworld or from the fifth circle of hell.”
I know the vice-president is angling for a shoot out, so he can assume the reigns of power, but you ought to know by now that we have put our shields onto maximum. If we can get the Romulan cloaking device working then it’s going on and we are setting phasers to maximum.
We’ll know soon enough as we know the exact time-table.” Janol held up a piece of paper which had ‘To do - Next week, invade New Sidnee’ written in a child-like scrawl in orange crayon.
“At least not like any I’ve seen before. They look more like the dragons from my childhood.”
“Where did you grow up?” Shandos asked.
“Think of them as giant, robotic, nanobot, intelligent, slime-moulds,” Onnil replied.
“Oh and when you have children Ivan, don’t call them Ivan. It confuses the hell out of me. That’s why we have surnames, so we can us the first name to tell people apart.”
“Have we officially decided what is a rainbow is?”
“There are still the two competing theories. It’s either some sort of hat worn in the rain, or the colours you get when light is split through raindrops.”
“I like the hat theory best. Why would anyone one give such a name to such an esoteric phenomenon?”
“I don’t believe the guards exist anymore. They are just stories to scare children when they are naughty.”
“As we change from Cannon to Rainbow, I have the pleasure to announce that next year will be the year of Zippy.”
“I’m going to summon up George the Demon from the third abyss of hell.”
“I even managed to get my bare arse broadcast. A first for a generation, all thanks to you.”
“Empires rarely fall apart peacefully.”
“Has it happened before?”
“A few times on Earth in the Twentieth and Twenty-first Centuries. The Soviet Union, Yugoslavia and the United States were the most famous ones.”
The Other Realms (Part 1)
“Get ready to unleash the mosquitoes of war,” she said with no trace of irony.
He walked off into the night towards some buildings silhouetted against the light in the night sky, of distant days.
That was the one problem with making everyone believe in a demons, rational investigation became impossible. Everyone just stared at the body and made inane comments about demons.
He didn’t want the plans to descend into toilet-based arguments like a couple of previous meetings had.
I know that and you know that but sometimes laws become so stupid that they disappear up their own arse.
A secret underground lair, I’m half-hoping for laboratories with flasks full of dry-ice and tanks full of sharks.
Wanting to own a gun is the best reason for not allowing someone to have one.
There was a special word for knowing everything. Omni-something. There’s an irony, he was supposed to be omni-whatever and know everything, but he had forgotten what the word was.
Agent Blue wasn’t too sure. The enemy of my enemy might be an even bigger shit than the first enemy, but he was willing to go along with it for the moment.
The riders thumped on the door of the tower. Chail eventually opened it.
“Yes?” he asked.
“We have come to try your vindaloo. You must test us.”
“I have come to kill your demon,” he announced.
Then eventually, future generations can change their mind when the evidence and the bodies and the memories of what happened have been erased by time.
“Can you fix our world?” he asked. “Can you banish the evil gods?”
They were the engineers to the gods. The term geek is an ancient English acronym, God’s Extraordinary Engineers and something. I can’t remember the last word.
He walked off into the night towards some buildings silhouetted against the light in the night sky, of distant days.
That was the one problem with making everyone believe in a demons, rational investigation became impossible. Everyone just stared at the body and made inane comments about demons.
He didn’t want the plans to descend into toilet-based arguments like a couple of previous meetings had.
I know that and you know that but sometimes laws become so stupid that they disappear up their own arse.
A secret underground lair, I’m half-hoping for laboratories with flasks full of dry-ice and tanks full of sharks.
Wanting to own a gun is the best reason for not allowing someone to have one.
There was a special word for knowing everything. Omni-something. There’s an irony, he was supposed to be omni-whatever and know everything, but he had forgotten what the word was.
Agent Blue wasn’t too sure. The enemy of my enemy might be an even bigger shit than the first enemy, but he was willing to go along with it for the moment.
The riders thumped on the door of the tower. Chail eventually opened it.
“Yes?” he asked.
“We have come to try your vindaloo. You must test us.”
“I have come to kill your demon,” he announced.
Then eventually, future generations can change their mind when the evidence and the bodies and the memories of what happened have been erased by time.
“Can you fix our world?” he asked. “Can you banish the evil gods?”
They were the engineers to the gods. The term geek is an ancient English acronym, God’s Extraordinary Engineers and something. I can’t remember the last word.
The Other Realms (Part 2)
The man is an incompetent fool. Therefore he would make an ideal president.
“Welcome to the Hub, please enjoy your commercial experience,” the voice of the bus said.
The continent of Bala was generally flat, very flat with a ring of mountains in the very centre. Myths stated that the mountains were supposed to resemble a mountain that spewed fire, nobody believed that though. Whoever had heard of such nonsense.
This was the first major show of religion he had seen in S21 and it all seemed to be about extracting money from those who wanted to be chosen. He supposed it was better than the religion of S11 and most others he had come across, if only because it was a bit more honest.
“The thing about being soulless is that it is not androids that are soulless, it is humans. To destroy an entire species just because three people stole a shuttle.”
She was hoping that the chosen solution would involve the monsters evolving into herbivores.
“But they forgot one important fact, actually two facts.”
“What were they?”
“That people are stupid and that they can be complete and utter shits.”
“Hey if I’m getting a new body it’s going to be green with one eye. A very big eye on a stalk.”
Paranoia is your friend.
And now people from one of the other lands had come visiting, People with what one of her advisors had called ‘strange shit’.
Ten minutes later as the last horse was being saddled up, several footmen appeared with a platter of apples and carrots laid on a bed of salad. They obviously hadn’t quite understood the nature of the request.
She knew her reaction was wrong but somebody executing people in cold-blood to protect her was one of the most erotic things she had ever known.
But then a great philosopher had once said, ‘you can never be paranoid enough’
“May you be chosen to open the most sacred of entrances,” he mumbled to each of them as they filed past. Torril swore he could hear Anya snigger.
Is that why the whole realm is an epileptic’s nightmare?
A girl has to be able to defend herself when she’s in a strange city at night. And I have promised to be on my best behaviour and then when we come back I can be on my worst behaviour.
“Welcome to the Hub, please enjoy your commercial experience,” the voice of the bus said.
The continent of Bala was generally flat, very flat with a ring of mountains in the very centre. Myths stated that the mountains were supposed to resemble a mountain that spewed fire, nobody believed that though. Whoever had heard of such nonsense.
This was the first major show of religion he had seen in S21 and it all seemed to be about extracting money from those who wanted to be chosen. He supposed it was better than the religion of S11 and most others he had come across, if only because it was a bit more honest.
“The thing about being soulless is that it is not androids that are soulless, it is humans. To destroy an entire species just because three people stole a shuttle.”
She was hoping that the chosen solution would involve the monsters evolving into herbivores.
“But they forgot one important fact, actually two facts.”
“What were they?”
“That people are stupid and that they can be complete and utter shits.”
“Hey if I’m getting a new body it’s going to be green with one eye. A very big eye on a stalk.”
Paranoia is your friend.
And now people from one of the other lands had come visiting, People with what one of her advisors had called ‘strange shit’.
Ten minutes later as the last horse was being saddled up, several footmen appeared with a platter of apples and carrots laid on a bed of salad. They obviously hadn’t quite understood the nature of the request.
She knew her reaction was wrong but somebody executing people in cold-blood to protect her was one of the most erotic things she had ever known.
But then a great philosopher had once said, ‘you can never be paranoid enough’
“May you be chosen to open the most sacred of entrances,” he mumbled to each of them as they filed past. Torril swore he could hear Anya snigger.
Is that why the whole realm is an epileptic’s nightmare?
A girl has to be able to defend herself when she’s in a strange city at night. And I have promised to be on my best behaviour and then when we come back I can be on my worst behaviour.
Three Tales of the Sphere
S-Thorn
The camel looked at him. “Think about it. How many talking camels do you know, so obviously I know what I’m doing.”
Arratal had never once thought she had lorded it over anyone. Anyway she wouldn’t lord over anyone, she would lady over them, a subtlety she didn’t think worth mentioning.
Cheryil was relieved that it wasn’t a man. A man examining her bare leg would have been most improper.
Jen loved her job, though she had not initially been too keen, she got to seduce high-ranking, powerful foreigners and then kill them.
“Oh if there are people, there will be monsters,” Torril said.
Cheryil thought this a strange thing to say and it was only when she was lying in bed several nights later that she understood what was meant and that raised Torril in her estimation.
“So,” the President said. “This is the famed bicycle. Can I have a go?”
“Oh yes, it’s the island continent that looks a bit like a pacman.”
“Then may have the gods have mercy on your soul. I will never step on board a ship with the witch again.”
“So which country do you represent in this huge and pointless game of let’s be bastards to every other country?”
“We’re planning to have your diary discovered.”
“I don’t keep a diary.”
“Do you not? Oh well we’ll just have to make one up, that way the people in The Republic can read all about your little adventures. We might even embellish them slightly. After all, you’ve been a very naughty girl.”
What was most disconcerting was the squirrel. It would sit and study the board as if it knew what it was doing. Then it would chitter and almost appeared to be affecting play. Barnis felt at times as if he was playing against two people.
The tracks were easy to follow. He ran and after a few minutes, he could see the dark shape move against the light of faint and distant days.
Nirial had made a very favourable impression on a war hero; she may have uncovered a foreign plot to invade. They would have to exploit the situation to its fullest. A new dress was required and perhaps new shoes.
S-B
Yes officer, we were saved by a squirrel biting his nose and then in his attempt to shoot it, he blew his own head off.
He thought all the humans were supposed to be sleeping at night. But there seemed to be more than the normal number creeping through the park at night. Some of them up to their disgusting sexual activities.
It wasn’t a normal squirrel.
Then what was it?
“I don’t know, I don’t really remember. So what’s an avatar?” she asked.
“You tell me. You drew it. When?”
“I must have been about five, I think. I can’t really be sure. I had forgotten all about it until I found the drawing hidden in the cupboard. I was going through some of my old things deciding what to keep and what to throw out.”
“And you drew it?”
The interrogator stared at the avatar. He had not expected that and he desperately wanted to know what the Guardians of the Cretaceous were. What was a Cretaceous?
“Come on you ugly moggy,” he taunted. “You pathetic piece of shit. Think you’re a top predator? If I took you home, I’d show you a real top predator. They’d eat you in one bite. You wouldn’t even touch the oesophagus on the way down.”
It was a bit ironic Fina thought that the only person she could confide in properly wasn’t even a real person.
“I heard these are only the larval forms,” someone shouted out. “The adults are much larger and fiercer.”
“Have fun shitting for the next couple of weeks,” Chit shouted after the retreating cat.
“Because I never drew monsters. I drew ponies and kittens. Even the dragons I drew were friendly dragons, they lived in pink fluffy clouds with princesses for friends.”
“No I don’t think, but I don’t know and anyway we only have the word of a squirrel to go on. And it’s not even a word it’s a drawing.”
The only nation in the realm of SB didn’t really have a name. It had had several in the past. It had initially been called The Republic of Utopia. The settlers had named their country after a mythical country, free from strife. Then of course it had various adjectives, like Democratic or People’s or New placed in front, more as marketing exercises rather than any accurate description.
“Yes these are the explorers, the blues are the masters. And then you don’t want to meet the red ones. They’re the warrior class.”
“The don’t have normal hands they have swords for limbs,” someone added.
“None really, but it will be funny. I don’t know about you, but I quite like the idea of a revolution being headed by an alien squirrel.”
In a bout of naughtiness, Chit pissed into the photocopier’s inner workings, that would be a nice surprise for whoever was next to use it.
The police might be fairly corrupt and incompetent but in a bank raid, they would at least send some unknown poo off to be analysed and then when it came back saying unknown species, the game might be up.
If there were two things to make humans more badly behaved than normal it was uniforms and guns.
The Search
“I would like to get completely out of my face,” Baz announced. “Unless I already am and I’m still on the last place and this is just one huge hallucination.”
“The Ministry of Culture is never closed. Culture never sleeps.”
“And if I find anything else then my union fees go up again.”
“Then just buy the union.”
Did ‘and six orders of blended whisky’ or ‘then the last time we sail’ mean anything? And what about ‘the fifth time the blender exploded’ or ‘the jam expanded across the entire ...’?
“I assume you are paying,” non-Griseya replied.
“I am. What would you like?”
“The most expensive thing on the menu.”
“Will they promise to behave themselves at the wedding?”
“Certainly not, they never make such promises. They will promise to misbehave, especially with the bridesmaids.”
“Flashy spaceships indicate wealth and therefore they are targets for piracy. The best spaceships are those that look like wrecks. Quite a lot of effort can go into making ships appear decrepit but still have plenty of voom.”
What also didn’t help was Bel asking, “Do you two love-birds want to share a room or not?”
“How about Bel’s black hole, you seem to have a reputation of taking men to their doom.”
“Do I?”
“Not really, I just made it up. Isn’t that how space-banter works?”
“But now I am going to disable the planet, because the people inside it have been very naughty. Very naughty indeed.”
“And I want to bring the crew, they love a good piss-up and they will take you on a stag night you’ll never remember except when we show you the evidence.”
The camel looked at him. “Think about it. How many talking camels do you know, so obviously I know what I’m doing.”
Arratal had never once thought she had lorded it over anyone. Anyway she wouldn’t lord over anyone, she would lady over them, a subtlety she didn’t think worth mentioning.
Cheryil was relieved that it wasn’t a man. A man examining her bare leg would have been most improper.
Jen loved her job, though she had not initially been too keen, she got to seduce high-ranking, powerful foreigners and then kill them.
“Oh if there are people, there will be monsters,” Torril said.
Cheryil thought this a strange thing to say and it was only when she was lying in bed several nights later that she understood what was meant and that raised Torril in her estimation.
“So,” the President said. “This is the famed bicycle. Can I have a go?”
“Oh yes, it’s the island continent that looks a bit like a pacman.”
“Then may have the gods have mercy on your soul. I will never step on board a ship with the witch again.”
“So which country do you represent in this huge and pointless game of let’s be bastards to every other country?”
“We’re planning to have your diary discovered.”
“I don’t keep a diary.”
“Do you not? Oh well we’ll just have to make one up, that way the people in The Republic can read all about your little adventures. We might even embellish them slightly. After all, you’ve been a very naughty girl.”
What was most disconcerting was the squirrel. It would sit and study the board as if it knew what it was doing. Then it would chitter and almost appeared to be affecting play. Barnis felt at times as if he was playing against two people.
The tracks were easy to follow. He ran and after a few minutes, he could see the dark shape move against the light of faint and distant days.
Nirial had made a very favourable impression on a war hero; she may have uncovered a foreign plot to invade. They would have to exploit the situation to its fullest. A new dress was required and perhaps new shoes.
S-B
Yes officer, we were saved by a squirrel biting his nose and then in his attempt to shoot it, he blew his own head off.
He thought all the humans were supposed to be sleeping at night. But there seemed to be more than the normal number creeping through the park at night. Some of them up to their disgusting sexual activities.
It wasn’t a normal squirrel.
Then what was it?
“I don’t know, I don’t really remember. So what’s an avatar?” she asked.
“You tell me. You drew it. When?”
“I must have been about five, I think. I can’t really be sure. I had forgotten all about it until I found the drawing hidden in the cupboard. I was going through some of my old things deciding what to keep and what to throw out.”
“And you drew it?”
The interrogator stared at the avatar. He had not expected that and he desperately wanted to know what the Guardians of the Cretaceous were. What was a Cretaceous?
“Come on you ugly moggy,” he taunted. “You pathetic piece of shit. Think you’re a top predator? If I took you home, I’d show you a real top predator. They’d eat you in one bite. You wouldn’t even touch the oesophagus on the way down.”
It was a bit ironic Fina thought that the only person she could confide in properly wasn’t even a real person.
“I heard these are only the larval forms,” someone shouted out. “The adults are much larger and fiercer.”
“Have fun shitting for the next couple of weeks,” Chit shouted after the retreating cat.
“Because I never drew monsters. I drew ponies and kittens. Even the dragons I drew were friendly dragons, they lived in pink fluffy clouds with princesses for friends.”
“No I don’t think, but I don’t know and anyway we only have the word of a squirrel to go on. And it’s not even a word it’s a drawing.”
The only nation in the realm of SB didn’t really have a name. It had had several in the past. It had initially been called The Republic of Utopia. The settlers had named their country after a mythical country, free from strife. Then of course it had various adjectives, like Democratic or People’s or New placed in front, more as marketing exercises rather than any accurate description.
“Yes these are the explorers, the blues are the masters. And then you don’t want to meet the red ones. They’re the warrior class.”
“The don’t have normal hands they have swords for limbs,” someone added.
“None really, but it will be funny. I don’t know about you, but I quite like the idea of a revolution being headed by an alien squirrel.”
In a bout of naughtiness, Chit pissed into the photocopier’s inner workings, that would be a nice surprise for whoever was next to use it.
The police might be fairly corrupt and incompetent but in a bank raid, they would at least send some unknown poo off to be analysed and then when it came back saying unknown species, the game might be up.
If there were two things to make humans more badly behaved than normal it was uniforms and guns.
The Search
“I would like to get completely out of my face,” Baz announced. “Unless I already am and I’m still on the last place and this is just one huge hallucination.”
“The Ministry of Culture is never closed. Culture never sleeps.”
“And if I find anything else then my union fees go up again.”
“Then just buy the union.”
Did ‘and six orders of blended whisky’ or ‘then the last time we sail’ mean anything? And what about ‘the fifth time the blender exploded’ or ‘the jam expanded across the entire ...’?
“I assume you are paying,” non-Griseya replied.
“I am. What would you like?”
“The most expensive thing on the menu.”
“Will they promise to behave themselves at the wedding?”
“Certainly not, they never make such promises. They will promise to misbehave, especially with the bridesmaids.”
“Flashy spaceships indicate wealth and therefore they are targets for piracy. The best spaceships are those that look like wrecks. Quite a lot of effort can go into making ships appear decrepit but still have plenty of voom.”
What also didn’t help was Bel asking, “Do you two love-birds want to share a room or not?”
“How about Bel’s black hole, you seem to have a reputation of taking men to their doom.”
“Do I?”
“Not really, I just made it up. Isn’t that how space-banter works?”
“But now I am going to disable the planet, because the people inside it have been very naughty. Very naughty indeed.”
“And I want to bring the crew, they love a good piss-up and they will take you on a stag night you’ll never remember except when we show you the evidence.”
